Post - Vacation Depression

It had to happen. I knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it any easier. After a week of trekking across Taiwan, I return to Seoul and find myself wishing I were elsewhere. I remember suddenly what life is like outside this culture that in so many ways, is still so strange to me. I had come to accept many aspects of my frustrations as part of the Asian experience- being stared at obnoxiously in the streets, being bowled over by people in a hurry. But after a week in Taiwan, it became clear that this behaviour was not nearly as prevalent elsewhere.

Koreans have a clear-cut, love-hate relationship with Western culture. English dominates store signs and advertising (albeit bad English), Koreans sport shirts with American, Italian and Canadian flags. They hate the American presence, but choose not to acknowledge that it was largely the US that rescued them from the Korean economic crisis of 1997. They fail to see the importance that the US plays in their defence in the event that their good friend Mr Kim Jong Il takes action. They are quick to exclude and separate foreigners from Koreans, and they hate that we have something they need. They need protection from the US, despite the fact that every Korean man is required to do two years in the military, they are largely young and unskilled. They need English if they want to compete on the world stage, and there are still not enough Koreans who speak it well enough to teach it to the next generation. The issue of respect has been a big one for me this week. I was raised that respect is vital, and that if you want to get respect, you have to give it. Koreans don't see it the same way. They respect only the people that they are required to within the Korean hierarchy. Respect is for those older than yourself. Men are more deserving of respect than women. And foreigners, because they don't fit into the 'Korean family' are not necessarily guaranteed respect just by showing up. Teachers are highly respected in Korean culture. There is even a holiday to show thanks to teachers, education being vital in this culture. But truth be told, Korean teachers get respect while foreign teachers are expected to be fun and entertaining. This wouldn't be a problem if there wasn't such a clear-cut distinction between the two. Korean teachers are not to be fun and foreign teachers are not to be respected, it seems. Or at least not in the same way. A five year old girl in my kindergarten class called me fat earlier this week. An eleven year old girl did the same a few days later. I have come to deal with the fact that Koreans consider me, weighing in around 108 lbs at 5'2", fat. I hate it- not in a self-conscious way, but more in a disgusted cultural way. What sort of messages are embedded into the minds of these young girls that look at me, and see me as fat- at the age of five? Beyond that, when did looking healthy and athletic (which I strive for and I believe have achieved) become fat? I walked into this same class the other day, and the same eleven year old snot and two of her friends burst out laughing, pointing at me. I kicked them out of class and left them in the hallway for twenty-five minutes, while the usually unruly boys tentatively joked with me and tried to stop my head from exploding. I finally went and got a Korean teacher, as the girls' English is not strong enough for us to communicate. The Korean teacher relayed that the girls thought that my skirt was funny because it was denim, and ended above my knees - very strange for girls that are used to see everyone around them dress as though they're attending church. The Korean teacher seemed to think that this excused their behaviour. She said I needed to understand it as a cultural difference. It baffled me. I needed to understand? I needed to understand that I was invited here to teach English- and in turn should expect to be laughed at? To be called fat by my students? Students who are raised that respect is paramount in dealing with their elders? I hardly think so. I told her that she needed to understand that in MY culture, laughing and pointing at someone is completely unacceptable and likely to result in bruising and broken bones. I'm not sure I understand how a culture that so badly wants to be Americanized can pick and choose what elements it will take. It seems to me that they have only picked up on the negatives of Western culture. They have picked up materialism, obsession with weight (diet ads here would be banned in North America for promoting an unhealthy lifestyle, not to mention the affects on self-esteem) and commercialism. Thus far, Koreans have failed to allow respect and understanding of other cultures, other ways of life, to permeate their views. Being white, I have experienced only the tip of the iceberg. Koreans see a definite cultural hierarchy, with them at the top and all other cultures below. The men have failed to pick up on a respect for women, and the women have failed to pick up on a respect for themselves.

I am glad that I experienced Korean culture. My eyes have been opened to so many issues and I realize how much a culture shapes its people. Like many Canadians, I have struggled with the question of Canadian culture. Many of my friends come from families with strong cultural values that have shaped their world views. But the Bogue/Kerr family is so Canadian that a quick look at our family trees makes it seem ridiculous even to say that we have Scottish/Irish/English/French ancestry. We've been Canadian for generations and generations. The values on which I was raised cannot be traced to any particular country or culture, but were perhaps shaped by fundamentally Catholic beliefs, which I have strived to distance from their roots. I am a disgruntled Catholic and in fact, I cringe when I say that, so maybe I'm just disgruntled. I love that saying you're Quebecois is sufficient, but wonder why the same does not carry out to the rest of Canada. Why does a Calgarian say they're Scottish when asked about their nationality? Why not Canadian? Or Albertan? But I digress. I have come to realize this year how much of my culture I had taken for granted. Our freedom. A year spent living in a culture where the wearing of a tank top is all it takes to be considered a prostitute and tattoos are only for criminals. A year immersed in an environment where I see beautiful, talented, intelligent and strong women fighting to be themselves in a culture that values beauty and silence in its women. I realize how lucky I am to have been born in a country where my options are endless and I have never been told I couldn't be a doctor because that's a man's job. That I can laugh when Koreans look on me with pity because I'm unmarried and that I can proudly say it's a choice, leaving them thoroughly confused. That when I talk with my Korean friends about my personal goals and paths of education that I am considering, I am revealing to them what it is like to be Canadian. I told Song that I had at one point considered going to law school, but found a different path when I fell into my love of drama. And besides, I wasn't sure that I could commit myself to work as hard as I would need to in law school. Song looked shocked and upset, and said that that statement alone showed such a distinctive difference between Canadian and Korean culture. Her Korean girlfriends would never consider the idea of going to law school, but would strive to marry lawyers. I can't imagine having grown up in such an environment. Beyond that, I can't imagine growing up here, and travelling to other countries and trying to readjust. I've had trouble after only a week in Taiwan. My friend Min spent four years in Australia, being stuffed full of food by those around her because they thought she was too skinny. A short flight back to Korea, and suddenly she was fat again. I wonder how these women can readjust to Korean culture when they have lived elsewhere. Korean women are fiercely strong, but unfortunately stoic. In the coming years, things are going to change drastically in this country. Western men are incredibly sought after in Korea and mixed race marriages are becoming more and more common. Korean men will have to wake up or risk losing all their intelligent and strong women to Westerners that allow them more freedom. Koreans are going to have to learn to allow foreigners into their hierarchy of respect, or these mixed families will leave and the country will become increasingly divided on the issue of who to let in and who to isolate.

Yesterday I made the long and painful trek to Seoul Tower. Actually getting there was the easy part. The long and painful part was waiting an hour in line for the cable car to the tower, followed by the forty-five minute wait for the elevator to the observation deck, followed by the half hour ride for the elevator down (they wouldn't let us take the stairs). In the lobby in front of the elevator was an ice cream stand and a blond, blue-eyed foreigner was working the stand- speaking perfect Korean. A crowd of Koreans surrounded the stand, laughing and taking pictures of him. I admired the man for his patience and bravery, because I surely would have started screaming about the sheer disrespect that they were showing him. Can you imagine if such a situation were to happen in Canada? If a crowd of white people gathered around an ice cream stand manned by a Korean employee and laughed and pointed because he spoke English? I have been mistaken for Russian a good many times here- an infuriating insult in Korea, as Russian is synonymous with prostitute to Korean men. A Korean man walking behind me in the streets the other day, drunkenly shouted out RUSSIAN!! RUSSIAN!! repeatedly as I marched up the hill, backpack on my shoulders, complete with Canadian flag. Can you imagine such an incident in Canada? I am growing tired of the constant attention. Of the blatantly rude and obnoxious pointing. Of the gawking and assumptions that I am either American or Russian- as though these are the only countries that produce blond hair and blue eyes. And in all honesty, I have yet to meet a blond Russian.

There are days when I hardly notice the stares and days when I notice and don't mind. But the bottom line is that it shows a certain disrespect that parents fail to explain to their children that pointing is rude. I reprimanded a twelve year old girl in the elevator a couple weeks ago who was yelling "Oma, Oma- Migguk saram!!" (Mother, Mother, blond American) and who's finger was an inch from my face, as though the elevator were full of blonds and she needed to clarify who she was talking about. Curious looks don't bother me, even staring I can excuse, but being treated like an animal is another story. I would have hoped that the mother would have been embarrassed by my retort, but instead the elevator erupted in laughter. And I would hope that in Mok-Dong, one of Seoul's wealthiest areas, children would be worldly and educated enough to know better. Even with 40,000 English teachers in Seoul, plus the military presence, foreign faces shouldn't be news anymore. But the extreme xenophobia of Korea is a story told round the world and a reputation that they should be fighting to change, not propagate. I have had so many good and pleasant experiences meeting Korean people, and it's really unfortunate that these bad experiences are really starting to grate on me. But that's the reality. It's been ten months, and I'm tired of being a clown in class and on display in public. There is such a distinction between 'us' and 'them' that with the current value system, Koreans cannot simply live side by side with foreigners and see them as people. Even the Korean teachers at work often exclaim in surprise, "Oh, you can eat kimchee?", as though they were not aware that foreigners were physically capable of bringing the chopsticks to their lips. Ironically, the place where I would think that I would be stared at the most- at the saunas- I usually notice only a quick surprised glance. A comforting change, particularly given the vulnerable circumstances. But when I enter the saunas, I can't help but feel as though there is a sort of respect and understanding amongst the women. Perhaps I'm being included in this respect by the sheer bravery of entering into the saunas, which are rarely frequented by foreigners. Here's hoping that this frustration passes and that I can enjoy my last few months in Korea in relative peace. After all, are we not pretty much all the same anyway?