I Dream of Kimchee: Never Swim Alone

Dress Rehearsal - Never Swim Alone
Sean (Bill), Me (Ref), Ed (Frank)

It has officially been one year since I've been on stage, and I'm struggling to figure out how I feel about it. After Our Country's Good closed, I was unsure as to where I was headed with theatre, and recent experiences have only confused me further. Months ago I auditioned for a role with a foreigner's theatre company and was cast. The play is called Never Swim Alone, by Canadian playwright Daniel MacIvor. I was excited to be rehearsing again. It had been so long that I felt I was starting to lose my mind. I was excited because it would be my first production after graduating. I was excited because the role presented alot of challenges for me, but I was confident I could do it. I sat myself down a good while ago and had a long talk with my bad actor head and convinced her that since I had never failed at anything, she may as well stop telling me I would fail at this. I was excited to get on stage and start working, with this newfound enthusiasm and trust in my abilities. Unfortunately the periods of 'bad actor syndrome' come with the territory. There are few actors, or artists in any form- who haven't doubted their skills, their impulses or their creativity. It's not unique to me, but it's difficult to explain that to my bad actor head when she rears her ugly... head.

Swimming, swimming on the hard wood stage

Round 9: Power Lunch

At any rate, I have spent my week-ends for the last couple months at rehearsal for the show. There are two other actors, both men, both American. They seem very much alike, but they are not. Unfortunately, it didn't take long for my enthusiasm to fade away. I've become accustomed to a certain level of professionalism, it would seem. I have become accustomed to working with people who guide and coax you- help you to understand your role and the play. But here I found myself on my own. The director, Krista, greeted my questions with glares and disapproving looks. Or she'd simply read me the line again and again, as though simply hearing it repeated in an odd, shrill monotone would inspire my imagination. As though it weren't her job as the director to have some sort of vision and understanding of the play. And I still don't understand what is meant by "Act more like a 14 year old!" Do all fourteen year olds act the same? But I digress. I found myself frustrated. Or should I say find. I've managed to make sense of the play for myself- I probably couldn't articulate to someone else how I view my character, but she's there. As much as I've tried to work through the frustrations, some things stand in my way of working. I didn't have my props and set pieces until today- the dress rehearsal. I didn't have my costume- a bathing suit- until last week. But Krista seemed shocked when I said that having these elements made me feel as though I could start working. I'd become frustrated with the part, and with myself after weeks of stagnant rehearsals.

Moi- Sitting on my throne awaiting the beginning of rehearsal.

The play opens on Thursday and I feel like I've only had three real rehearsals and a lot of wasted week-ends. I am frustrated to the point that I don't have anything to say to the director, or the other actors. My bad actor head is coming back, with opening night looming only four days away. I have the first line of the play- and that scares me. Usually opening night I'm frozen with fear for my first five minutes on stage, this time I won't be easing myself in. And I wonder- why do I put myself through this? Why did I spend four years in school, mostly frustrated with the other students and the profs? Why do I continue to push myself to do this? I feel as though I should pack it in and end this sillyness now before it becomes a long, frustrating career... but then I know I've said that after every show. What is it about this work that makes me want to come back? All actors have different reasons for being on stage, and many are there because it's a guaranteed way of getting attention. For me, I appreciate that it helps me grow as a person- in each role I'm challenged to look at myself and see for real, who I am. But is this enough to keep me in a line of work that means committing to a life of poverty? Does it mean working alongside people like Krista for the duration of my career? Krista, who seems to believe that I am who I am for no other reason than to make her angry. If anyone is wondering why my parents thought ahead and sent me to French school, it was so that Krista would become embarrased and accuse me of showing off when she demonstrated for her boyfriend how poorly she could speak French. And therein lies the real issue- I am fairly sure that the immaturity surrounding our relationship stems from insecurity around her relationship to her boyfriend. She's afraid I'm going to steal him away. Hide him in my sock drawer, shelter his ears from her shrill voice and horrid Edmontonian accent, and then toss him back into her ginormous hands once I've finished with him. Women hate other women for so many reasons, and it usually has little to do with who they are, and more to do with the way they look. And so I've been labelled a threat- painted across my forehead and treated with disdain because of the imagined possibility that I might suddenly realize (after four years) that I do not in fact love Fred, but it is our migguk friend Sean who is the object of my affection. Please (she says with dripping sarcasm). The ridiculousness of the situation frustrates me to the point that I have difficulty speaking when she's around. My head fumes as I overhear her trying to show me up in this contest that I won long ago, simply by not competing. Or feeling the need to.

Me, Sean and Ed- Cast of Never Swim Alone

Our space - Kkamang Theatre in Hyehwa, Seoul

The only source of sanity and encouragement that I have had in this process has come from the actors and director of the other show that will go up just before us. I've had more useful direction and advise from Craig, and our brief talks about the play have helped me to make sense of the script in some way. He is the sort of director that is insightful and easy to work with, professional and laid back. It's too bad we didn't really get to work together. As a side, I have to credit him for the photos, they're stolen off his blog...